December 26, 2010
1:37AM
Christmas is over and I’m here in my room, alone and drinking Vodka Cruiser.
Last time I checked, I am not alcoholic. But whenever I feel the need for my friends to keep up with my rants coz I cannot bring myself to sleep, I drink alcohol. Just a bottle or two.
Now I am doing that coz everyday it gets harder for me to even take a nap. There’s just too much in my head that prevents me from getting a decent rest.
To tell you honestly, I am not broken in its truest sense. I may be sad, but that has always been part of my drama. Like most of my friends say, I am an emo. Yes, I am. And I’m proud of it. They say I have the tendency to overanalyze things that always leads me to be too emotional. What can I do? I am a woman. I am emotional coz I feel what I need to feel. I scrutinize circumstances so often that makes me think really hard.
Just like now. I guess I’m emotional at this moment that led me back to writing, which, I somehow forgot to do since I shut off my blog a few weeks ago. But then again, I acquired a new domain and I’ve been sharing my adventures here already, sans the matters of the heart and some personal stuff.
I tried being a little private. I struggled to keep my life within me. I even made an effort not to share with anybody my personal brawl with life unlike what I was doing when I was thinking of myself as a showbiz persona or some kind of public figure. But it was really hard so now I am baring my soul coz keeping quiet doesn’t really help at all times.
2010 has been awful (but not as cruel as 2008 and 2009). It was in the middle of this year that my heart broke for the nth time. My recent boyfriend and I broke up because of (anticipated) third party. I moved on. Tried living my life to the fullest. Met a lot of beautiful souls. Almost getting romantically involved with a few. Well, almost. But not quite. Though most people think that I’m such a playgirl, only one man stood out. We are almost alike in so many ways. Obliviously, he challenged me to alter whatever it is that I’ve believed in. He even had the guts to knock on my door and I let him in no matter how hard I told myself that it wasn’t going anywhere. He made me smile. He made me shiver. He made my heart skip a beat. And I guess he made me want to fall in love once again. But he’s gone now. Everything’s gone to waste.
Have you ever felt the exhilaration brings about by looking forward to something really special? It was a mixture of joy and fears as I opened up my heart once again. It was then that I considered taking a risk and let fate make me fall real hard. He is someone I seriously thought about taking a chance with. But like most men in my life – he kept me hanging. As days went by I felt that I no longer had the other pair of hands that was supposed to grasp mine as we look forward to something worth giving a try. Yet again, I was left alone. Bruised but still standing.
Sometimes it enters my mind that perhaps I am the worst lover on earth, coz if otherwise, why did it have to have a trend? Like not showing interest in the beginning yet by the time I am starting to fall sincerely, they’re already keeping their eyes off me and heading toward another direction.
I often ask my guy friends,
“Panget ba ko? Masama ba ugali ko? May maayos na trabaho naman ako. Anong mali? Baket sablay ang lablayp ko?” They would always make things lighter by telling me I have everything they look for in a woman, except for one – I don’t know what I want.
Perhaps they’re right. I am turning 27 next year yet I feel like my life’s stagnant. My savings account’s busted coz I travel like there’s no tomorrow, I shop like a moviestar, I eat like a monster, I am living the party animal’s life.
As 2011 is nearing, I have a lot of promises to myself, as well as to my family and friends. I’m not really much of a New Year’s Resolution person. In fact, I never had any in my entire life. It’s just that at this point in my life I feel the need for change if I want to be happy.
So I’m making promises (even if people say – promises are made to be broken) that I would try hard to fulfill.
Since the past few years have been terrible for my heart. I told my friends (as well as myself) that my heart will be taking a break as it seems that I won’t find someone special anytime soon. I am not really looking for someone who will sweep me off my feet. It’s enough that he’d take me as I am; someone who will keep his promises and won’t let me dream alone. Someone who knows what he wants in life – and that involves me.
I even told one of my best friends,
“lovelife isn’t part of my goals for 2011” and I meant it when I said that. I should focus on loving myself even more.
And by that I meant not depending on somebody else to make me happy. Not that I’m keeping my heart closed; not about hypocrisy either. If someone comes along who’d do what I’ve been longing to see, then I’ll surrender. But I won’t wait anymore. I won’t chase for someone who hardly knows I exist. I will let the universe take over.
Another way of loving myself is by taking care of my health, setting limits when it comes to alcohol and nicotine intake. Occasional drinking is fine, but too much partying I guess won’t be part of my activities next year.
Saving for the future is also a means to love myself. My dad always taught me to be practical, which I often do. I don’t splurge on something that’s not really needed. But sometimes (all the more whenever I am down), I have the tendency to shop a lot coz it’s part of my therapy. I guess I should learn to skip indulging on retails.
I am not earning much compared with other people of my age but I already have my insurance which I acquired more than 2 years ago. I also have a club membership, which I hope could be of little help in the future. But I guess those aren’t enough to say that I am financially stable.
I have long wanted to get out of my parents’ house. I even tried living in a condominium unit a few blocks away from my workplace for a few months. But my mom requested if I can go back to the house since nobody’s living there at the time. It was somehow okay since I don’t have problems when it comes to utilities and household bills; even the groceries and maids’ salaries are covered by my parents. But sometimes I feel the need to get out and live within my means, without my parents’ financial support. But I cannot do that now since I do not earn much.
So I am hoping to find a job that could let me live on my own, like the way I used to when I was in college. All the more now that my brother and his family have occupied the house.
My siblings, even if they already have their own families, aren’t as responsible as people expect them to be. Now that I am living with my brother and his family, I need to get out and live on my own coz I feel like I am my parents’ assistant who runs the household when in fact I am the only single left in the family.
In our house, people always talk about money. And it brings me tears whenever my mom and dad call and instruct me regarding the budget, our “scholars”, our “foundation”, my siblings’ allowances and some other financial matters. I want them to realize that not everything’s about money. I want my siblings to recognize my parents more than being human ATMs and bank accounts. I want to get rid of money talks in our family. I miss talking to my parents about anything under the sun except money.
So I want to be financially stable just so my parents would be proud of me; that they won’t need to support me financially. I want them to enjoy the fruits of what they have worked for.
Since being independent and living alone is part of the changes that I want to see in my life next year, I am seriously considering living and working away from here. I want to leave my siblings not because I don’t love them, but because I love them so much that I want them to learn the value of responsibility for as long as I am near them, they won’t learn.
Like I said, I seriously consider working away from here. And I’m working on it. Let’s see what’s gonna happen when it comes to my career.
It won’t be easy for me to leave my company coz I love my colleagues so much. But then again, sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone for you to learn and see where you truly belong.
I am looking forward to 2011 and so thrilled to find out what’s in store for me.
So there, so far these are the promises that I told myself. I hope I could have enough strength and means to work on these as I badly need changes in my life.
So help me God.
Happy New Year, everyone! Cheers!
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