It's your birthday today and I don't know whether to greet you or not.
It's your 36th, too old to start planning your life and step up. If you know what I mean. But it didn't happen in a couple of months that we were together. I don't know, perhaps you didn't see your future with me. Or you are still waiting for that someone who left you before I came into your life.
A few months back, I was already planning something big for your day, like I always did with my past lovers. Well, I guess it won't materialize anymore as we already parted ways some weeks ago.
It still hurts like hell and I feel like my heart is crushing everytime I hear something new about you. I thought I have already moved on and accepted the fact that "us" no longer exists. I already learned to smile again and have fun with my friends. I already continued living like nothing happened. But you know, like what a friend told me, sadness may be temporary.. but what hurts more is that it could attack frequently. All the more whenever I see you happy and living life to the fullest. Probably when I greet you, you'd just send me the usual response. Maybe a thank you template. It would smash my heart a million times, I know. So I'd rather not greet you on your day.
And yeah, we're back to being strangers. We see each other once in a while and everything has changed. I also opted not to give in the last time you tried to speak to me when I passed by your table. I looked tough and all, as what our friends told me. But you know, it was kinda sad coz they didn't know how much I wanted to respond to you. Talk about dying inside.
That was before. A couple of weeks ago. Before I knew what the reality is. Before I found out that you are also one of those guys whom I'd rather not get close to. Before I realized that you were never worth the risk. Now, even hatred occupies a spot in my heart; not just loneliness and pain reside.
Remember when I went to our company outing in Batangas? What did you tell me on my way there? You sent me an SMS checking if I was asleep in transit. Or if I get to see the path going there? Or if the resort I went to was better than that resort we've been to last year together with your co-doctors? Or if it was more picturesque? You know what, I saw your friend's album and you were there a month before I went there. Exactly the same resort. I felt like a complete idiot trying to give you an idea of how the place looks like, how fine the sand is, or how big the rooms are when in fact you already stayed there even before I got to experience relaxing there. Of course, I didn't tell you that I knew about this. What for? We already broke off and it's useless even if I tell you that I became fully aware of your adventures when I had this hunch that maybe, we broke up because of something else and not just time & priority.
You also had this seminar in
Boracay last month, something that you didn't tell me. Probably because that was the time when our relationship was hanging. However, you could have told me a few weeks (I think that kind of event should be planned ahead of time, so you probably knew it already during those times when we were still okay) prior to that seminar that you were going. I am not in the position to impose what you should and should not do, especially when it comes to your career. I've always been supportive of your endeavors, you know that. Even if you didn't do anything wrong, the fact that you lied says something. If your heart is pure and you have no plans of fooling around, then you should have been honest regarding your whereabouts, right?
What really crashed my world was when I saw the album that your friends (who eventually became my friends) posted. I knew you were eyeing on someone. It was a lame excuse of you when you told me you have to fix yourself first before you can work things out with me. The ugly truth is that (I will quote my bestfriend Sherrie's post this morning)
"You cannot get rid of one thing without replacing it with something else.. In translation: Wag mo ng sabihin na kelangan mo ng space & time or you need to find yourself or whatever lame excuse dahil alam naming may ibang babae ka! I hope men will eventually unlearn how to sugarcoat things. Women can handle honesty, you know?" I should know, I've been there. I also said the same thing to my ex-boyfriend when I broke up with him (I was so young then, I didn't know it could hurt big time)
Honestly, I didn't see it coming. I never realized you are a womanizer. Even our friends didn't believe it. I can still remember what
Ryan told me when he learned that we already broke up,
"Anong problema ni kamote? E hindi naman babaero yun ah! Ano ba yan ang tanda-tanda na di pa ayusin ang buhay nya!" Oh well, there is always what we call as "first time". Too bad I was the first one to suffer from it.
Anyway, I saw a lot of pictures of you with a girl. Your co-resident at
St. Luke's. You were sitting beside each other from the airport, plane and even inside the bus going to Boracay. I already had this gut feeling so I told
GB about it. He told me he already saw the girl in some of your events. I don't know her (coz there were too many girl doctors that sometimes I tend to forget them all), but I guess she knew me. I already accepted the fact that you are right for each other. I mean, she sees you more often than I do and you no longer need to exert too much effort coz you are always together. You have more time to work things out there compared with what I can offer you; I belong in a much different world and no matter how hard I try to blend in.. I always fail.
GB told me
"okay lang magduda, pero wag mo muna iaccuse kase di pa naman confirmed". I tried to follow his advice, but it doesn't mean I felt better. Anxiety attacked all the time. I even asked you
"May girlfriend ka bang iba, babae, chick, fling, prospect sa ospital o kung saan man?". Of course, you denied. I told you I'd take it but it was hard to believe.
But last night the bomb exploded. It was a picture. I even showed it to my bestfriend. Your arms were all over her waist as she was dancing. So there goes the answer to my questions. In fact. last night I wasn't able to sleep (even if a came from Ilocos and was effing tired) coz everytime I tried to close my eyes, all I see was a picture of you and her looking happy. Nightmare.
I even saw your recent pictures and you were always beside each other, hosting events together and having fun all the time. While I feel sorry for myself for being too confident that nobody can take you away from me coz I was the only one who embraced your shortcomings and flaws. You've been working with each other for a long time now but nothing happened in the past between you and her? You just realized recently that she's the one you really love all along? In a matter of days.. you realized your mistake in committing with me? Or maybe that
Bora event changed everything..
*Sigh* Why are you men like that? You could have been honest. I can handle that. I even told you to please be honest and tell me if there's someone new or you already fell out of love, instead of pushing myself to you. It was a disappointment on my part coz what we had was really too good to be true. Maybe
Beyonce is right, you were a
sweet dream or a
beautiful nightmare. But now I already woke up from you.
What hurts me now is the fact that I've been wronged again for nth time. I didn't even know you before. I wasn't even interested in you. And I didn't like you. I was irritated everytime I see you perform on stage. However, that "heroic" act of you when you saved my bestfriend from her "nightmare" in
Subic last year made me change my impression on you. You weren't that bad after all. That day, I told myself that you were a true gentleman.
I could have been more careful. I could have given you a hard time just so I could test your real intentions. But you know, I am just human, thrilled just with the thought of having someone by my side. I know, this is not the time to dwell on the past and wonder about what might have beens.. but I couldn't help it. I've fallen in love several times already and my heart is completely exhausted. Even my heart grew tired of asking questions about what went wrong. I guess that's it, no matter what reasons were stated.. it all boils down to: falling out of love. And just like
falling in love,
falling out for me is something inexplicable.
Life has always been unfair. I protected you with all my heart, even accepting all the blame from people around us. Little did they know that it was you who really did something terrible. Only people close to my heart knew the real story (and now, the whole blogosphere.. heheh :D )
I'm starting to believe now that I am just the
Meantime Girl -- You know, that woman who is always there for the guy even if she doesn't get what she deserves; that someone who stays before the guy finally gets the woman of his dreams, if not his one true love. The perfect stopover or probably, the beautiful guinea pig *sigh*
Oh well, I guess
Cupid just played his dirty trick on me. He hit me not just by an arrow, but with an axe. Perhaps, I was looking forward to your cure, but what you gave me was just
Mefenamic Acid -- temporary relief from pain... but not the total healing.
Again, Happy Birthday. May you find the happiness and contentment that you truly need.
B.
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To my co-bloggers/readers/friends: Sorry for being too candid and emo. I just had to let it all out. This emptiness has been killing me and no matter how hard I try to keep in mind that saying from Desiderata (Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.), I can't help but be skeptic about men and relationships. How many times should I stumble before I finally get to my destination? How much pain is needed before I finally find my happiness? I am starting to lose hope that there is someone out there who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Are there still a few good men out there? :(
