A few days ago I stepped on something soft. In turn, it made me slip. It knocked me down and now I don’t know how to get up. That something soft is a cunning murderer.. yet it is oblivious of that fact. It has been silently killing me yet I couldn’t give it a shot. It is a weak object that I may crush had I revealed my claws. But I am afraid to be a villain.. I am afraid to lose my halo… I may look harsh, but empathy is one of my favorite words. And I am doing this because of you.

-- from a previous entry dated 4.24.2009


I just thought that maybe.. just maybe.. after all these years you will be the one to protect me. Unfortunately, you didn't.

Perhaps, this is the very reason why I was so afraid to wear you even if you were just within my reach. Even if I have long been wanting to get you and bring you home. I was afraid, yet I took the chance.. thinking that I'd be comfortable with you as days pass by. But I was wrong. And I've been wronged. It's okay though, I still looked good after all. Thank you for making me beautiful... even for a while.

We looked good together. I looked good on you. You looked good on me. But there's something in you that always hurt me. Probably it's the heels that made me stumble. Or the strings that almost strangled me. Or perhaps my feet just didn't fit so well..  maybe I was just trying hard to wear you.

I was hurt when I slipped. But in contrast with what I have stated above, I was still able to get up... just recently..  with grace. I am still able to walk with poise. Like what most beauty queens did on their pageant night. Who cares about slipping? At some point in our lives we fall.. it's for us to decide whether to get up.. or kiss the floor. I chose the former.

Now, I am walking barefoot. Instead of wearing you again, I opted to put you back in my rack. I know everyday I would still be able to see you.. but I know you're just there, I won't touch you anymore. I won't wear you again. And you won't come near me.

I know as well.. people may come and would try to ask for you. I will be glad to give you away my dear... for as long as I see you.. my feet won't take a rest. You are too beautiful to resist, I admit. Please, please... I will just give you away. I will donate you to those who are in need, together with my shoes and my slippers. I will just walk with nothing... less painful than wearing all three of you.

The pain that you brought left several marks on my feet.

And look at them... look at my feet now...


I know they're kinda horrible.. but I know, in time.. THESE WOUNDS WILL HEAL.

Someday, I'll have my PERFECT FIT. :)


Eto na, nakamtan nyo na ang matagal nyo ng inaasam-asam... eto na ang inyong pag-iisang dibdib.. Lagi nyong tatandaan na ang kasal ay hindi lang isang kontratang pang-limang taon, sampu o dalawampu.. ito ay panghabambuhay...
(playing in the background is the song "IKAW")


It was another successful event yesterday for TAC Productions as we made another wedding extraordinary, the Valencia-Banaag Nuptials. It was tiring, the weather was erratic (and so were my emotions) but I/we pulled it off.

Weddings make me cry. All the more if I am one of those who are in charge to make it truly remarkable. And when I heard Moonriver... wala, I just cried. I've been through a lot lately and I thought getting additional jobs like this would help me get my mind off that heartbreak.

Okay, okay.. enough of the drama. Here are the pictures from the event and see how toxic (and how haggard I looked). :D

The Venue: One Esplanade

Souvenirs. I forgot mine at Shangri-La.. Huhu..

The Team: getting ready for reception.

Review, review...

This is it! :)


Gifts. I was at the Registry.

Inside the quarters.

Jumpshot?! Hahaha!

The couple. :)

Getting the garter.

Albergus Catering



300 guests = Hungry Me!

Coordinators, Hosts and Some Suppliers.

Sorry, I have no documentation on the church ceremonies as I was only in charge of the reception duties. They exchanged vows at the Shrine of Jesus, the Way, the Truth and the Life somewhere near Mall of Asia.


Moon river, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you’re goin’, i’m goin’ your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

(moon river, wider than a mile)
(i’m crossin’ you in style some day)
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you’re goin’, i’m goin’ your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after that same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

Taken at Valencia-Banaag Nuptials



I could have been singing a beautiful song. Perhaps we could sing together our favorite song, the one that we sang together one beautiful night.. the one that's posted here a few months ago. I could have thanked you for coming and finding the loneliest girl. We could have been locking our hands like the way we used to exactly a year ago... when I started loving you.

Instead, I opted to turn my back and started to track the right path. It kills me, definitely. Tears came rushing as I feel you walking away. It was a challenge for me whether I'd completely turn my back on you or start running toward your direction and ask you to come back and stay. Did I choose the former? I just kept something that's beyond what is known... I settled on staying lonely.. trying to veer away from something that truly makes me happy -- being with you.

A few days ago I stepped on something soft. In turn, it made me slip. It knocked me down and now I don't know how to get up. That something soft is a cunning murderer.. yet it is oblivious of that fact. It has been silently killing me yet I couldn't give it a shot. It is a weak object that I may crush had I revealed my claws. But I am afraid to be a villain.. I am afraid to lose my halo... I may look harsh, but empathy is one of my favorite words. And I am doing this because of you.

But you know what, even how bad things are, or how evil you can get I know that you'll always be my angel. My stubborn angel. My prodigal son. My baby damulag. My spicy daddy.

We might make it or break it. On our own or together.

But one thing's for sure.... I already woke up from a wonderful dream.

I don't know if I'm gonna see you again when I sleep.


Due to this CRISIS that I've been going through these days, I found myself in a cozy bar two nights ago. The sun was still up yet I started my night right away. The name of my buddy Tequila Sunrise on the bar list truly enticed me. And so, once more, I plunged into temptation.

I was sound tripping, sipping my alcohol and smoking like a vehicle while texting/talking to my friends. I didn't bother asking them to join me. I just thought it's enough that they are always there if things aren't bearable anymore. But last night was endurable. Anyway, I'm used to being alone for a long time now. I can still remember how I survived a 3-day stay in Boracay last year all by myself. It was lonely yet fun. It was painful yet liberating. I was born again right after that trip.

I was enjoying my solitude in this bar though a lot of things are crossing my mind. Then suddenly, Duchess came and ruined my moment (hahaha! joooke! :D ). She not just shared a pitcher with me, her happiness was contagious that my mood suddenly changed. Thanks to you, tsong. I'm looking forward to our "deal" ;)

And then came Curlypout... and ate all our leftover food and drinks. :D

I'm so grateful to have friends like them. They make this lone star shine despite its boundless gloomy rainy nights. :)


At these times, I often turn to the Lord for guidance. Yeah, I look bitchy and cruel.. I am not religious, I don't attend masses at all.. but I know how to talk to God.

Last night, before going home I went to the church to thank Him and ask for some things.

I prayed for a lost soul to find herself. Also, may she find the answers to her questions. Even if the answers are right in front of her, she doesn't even notice. I hope I can help her, but I know the only person that can help her is herself alone. Even if I wanted to help, circumstances are just not right. I might even repeat a history that I never imagined to be part of. I never want to do something stupid that I did before.

I prayed for an invincible heart. Please take me away from temptation. As what a book (It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken) says:

I finally recognized that it was never going to get better and that I was wasting good years of my life in a dysfunctional "relationship". I knew I had to get out, and yet I also knew that I was powerless with this man and that my desire for the relationship to work was crippling.

I prayed to overcome my kryptonite. I love him.. but sometimes love just ain't enough. (naks.. hahaha! :D ) I asked the Lord to take care of him. May he find the real meaning of LOVE and COMMITMENT soon. I prayed for God to teach him how to take care of women, the way women take care of him. The way I take care of him.

I thanked Him for giving me a compassionate heart. It's good that I was able to spend another moment with someone who I know will only be part of this lone star's memoirs. Someone who deliberately inflicted pain on me yet I was benevolent enough to forgive. Even how painful our past is, I won't deny the fact that we shared a beautiful story then.

I prayed for someone to take care of me. I am tired of being a nanny, a researcher, a travel agent, a customer service agent, a technical support rep, a telephone operator, an errand girl, a canvasser, a personal shopper.. a mother to a 4-year old baby boy. This time I wanna be the one to be taken care of.

I thanked Him for always taking care of my family. For always giving the best for my loved ones.

And most of all, I prayed for HAPPINESS. I prayed that this neverending quest for happiness be endurable and full of learning.



Take a walk outside your mind
Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns the knife inside of me
Take a look and you will find there's nothing there boy
Yeah I swear, I'm telling you boy yeah cause
There's a hole in my soul that's been killing me forever
It's a place where a garden never grows
There's a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better
cause your love's like a thorn without a rose.........


Para sa mga fan ng aking kagandahang yaya helper na si Cris at sa mga nangungulit sa akin na magsulat na ulit tungkol sa kanya, eto na po ang isa pang entry... para sa inyo ito. Not much kwento kase I was so busy sa mga parties na ito at di ko na alam ang pinaggagawa nya, pero dinaan ko na lang sa pictures para maimagine nyo ang mga pangyayari.

Overdue na itong post na ito dahil noon pa syang birthday ng aking mga pamangkin na sina Mikee at Chelsea (April 5 and 6, 2009)

Gabi bago ang birthday ni Mikee, sa bahay:

Cris: Ano kayang isusuot ko bukas.. hmmm...
Ako: Baket? San ka punta?
Cris: Sa birthday party ni Mikee, baket?
Ako: Ah baket kasama ka ba dun? Maiiwan ka dito kase wala tao. Buong neighborhood pupunta dun wala magbabantay dito.
Cris: That is sooooo unfair! Di pwede Ate sama ako!
Ako: E di mag-gown ka. Pero pramis di ka papayagan ni Mama sumama. Ayaw din naman kita kasama.
Cris: Huhuhuhu.. wala ka talagang puso Ate.

Kinabukasan, nauna na ako sa venue dahil ako po ang organizer at dakilang utusan ng aking kapatid na nanay ni Mikee:

Ako: (nagtetext sa nanay ko) Ma, isama mo nga si Cris para may katulong ako sa mga kung anik-anik dito.
Nanay ko: (nireplyan ako, pramis eto po ang eksaktong text ng nanay ko sa akin, nakasave pa sa telepono ko) Isasama ko nga kasi pag di daw sya kasama baka abutan daw natin sya nakabitin sa kwarto.

Eto na po ang party sa Ortigas.. dumating sya na bonggang-bongga ang suot, at eto sya nagpose pa sa kin ang mahadera habang kumakain..

buti pa sya kumakain na, ako hindi pa. hmphmphmp!

Ako ay bising-bisi sa pag-estima ng mga bisita at ng mga entertainers at lahat ng may partisipasyon sa party kaya di ko sya masyado napapansin. Pero etong mga kaibigan kong si Duchess at Curlypout ay nagsumbong sa akin ng ganito:

Duchess at Curlypout: Alam mo ba yang si Cris eh pinagtatawanan kame. Sabi ba naman sa amin "hahaha.. mga single kayo lahat???", sabay kumukumpas kumpas pa kamay sa harap naming dalawa at tumatawa ng mala-demonyita.
(sori po, pagdating sa ganitong isyu e sensitib etong 2 kaibigan ko na ito.. ay pati pala ako haha!)

Nag-enjoy naman si Cristina sa party, sa katunayan nakipag-unahan pa sya sa booth ng face/body painting eh.. eto nga oh di pa nakuntento at napakadaming picture ang gusto, pero syempre alangan naman ipost ko lahat dito, baka masira ang mga computer nyo diba..

quarter turn to your right now! bilis! para nakatalikod ka na sa camera.. hihi.. :D

oha oha.. feel na feel nya ang mataas na building na itech noh?

At kinagabihan sabi ko baket ba nya pinapadepress ang mga kaibigan ko. Sabi ba naman sa kin:

Cris: Ate, wag nyo kase taasan standards nyo. Kaya di kayo nagkakaboypren eh. Wag kase kayo choosy! Di nyo ko gayahin... (potek ano kaya dapat ko gayahin sa kanya noh???!!)

Kinabukasan, party naman ni Chelsea sa Jollibee sa Libis.
Inaaway-away ako ni Cris pramis. E diba nga kras ako ni Jabi, ayan tuloy ginagantihan sya ni Jabi

JABI: Etong sayo!!!

Nung tapos na party, nagpapaalam ako sa nanay ko na di muna ako uwi. Dahil nga may mahalagang pag-uusapan kame ni Duchess at Curlypout na di namin magawa dahil ang Nanay kong makulet ay umeepal at nakikijoin sa amin everytime nagsosolo kameng tatlo. Bago magstart ang party sa taas, bumaba muna kameng 3 pero susme wala pang sampung minuto aba bumababa din nanay ko at nakijoin. Di talaga marunong makiramdam eh. Lumabas kunwari at nagyosi pero nagpapansin sa salamin at kumatok na kunwari pulubi sya. Tapos pagkatapos magyosi bumalik sa table naming 3, nakichika na naman. Ayan di tuloy ako makachika dun sa 2. Mejo sikreto pa naman ang pag-uusapan namin that time. Actually, sa kanya yata nagmana ng pagkaabnoy si cris eh. haha! (oi oi bawal magreact ng nega, labs ko nanay ko ha kahit ganyan yan.. COOL.. wahahha)

Ako: Ma, maya na ko uwi. Magkakape lang kame. Jan lang sa Eastwood. (lapit lang naman eh)
Mama: Kape? Dun sa bahay madaming kape, ano bang gusto nyong kape?
Cris: (I'm sure umiikot ang eyeballs nya) Hay nako, umaga ka na naman uuwi.

Antipatika tong si Cristina kala mo sya nanay ko noh???

feeling nya sya ang may bertdey kaya sya nakapula. at ginaya pa si Zuma -- lobo nga lang ang pinulupot nya. :P



I love reading novels as well as "self help" books. In fact, when I was devastated a few months ago, I transformed myself into my bookworm persona and read a lot of books about getting over the pain of losing someone. I don't really know if those books helped me, or it was just me who helped myself.  Nonetheless, I still enjoy reading books may they bring me hope or otherwise. Anyway, reading still satisfies some of my cravings -- entertainment and learning.

One of my favorite authors is John Gray, the writer of this well-known chronicles of Mars-Venus (e.g. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). Recently, a friend of mine handed me her copy of Starting Over, a practical guide for finding love again after a painful breakup, divorce or the loss of a loved one. Honestly speaking, I no longer feel the pain but I guess there's something in this book that always leaves me in awe -- REALITY. I am so moved by the lines that I wanted to share them with you..

For those who are in the process of building a new life, this book is for you.

Here are some of the lines that captured my soul (well, almost everything in the book is worth posting here). Perhaps, this book could help me find love again, watchathink? ;)
  • Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime. For most people devastated by the loss of love, it is beyond anything we could have expected, predicted or imagined.
  • After a loss, we fight inside ourselves with our inability to change what has happened.
  • We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school.
  • Becoming single again is definitely a crisis. Like any crisis, it is a time of danger and a time of opportunity. The opportunity is the possibility of healing and strengthening your heart and mind so that you will move on healthy and whole. The danger is that you do not complete the healing process.  
  • Time alone does not heal all wounds. How we cope with the loss of love determines the rest of our lives.
  • When a broken heart heals it actually grows back stronger.
  • The three steps for healing the heart: getting help, grieving the loss, becoming whole before getting involved again.
  • Men can speed up their healing process by hearing from others who are in pain, while women particularly benefit from being heard.
  • By feeling gratitude for the good times and forgiveness for the mistakes, the heart is filled with the love it needs to heal itself.
  • It is impossible for your heart to open fully to another when it is completely closed to someone in your past.
  • Until the healing process is complete, men have trouble making a commitment and women have problems with trusting again.
  • The best time to get involved again is when you feel as if you don't have to.

I'm already sleepy.. 'til next time. ;)

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