PELIKULA

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Kung minsan naiisip ko sana ang buhay parang pelikula na lang. Oo, maikli lang ang buhay mo, dalawang oras lang at tapos na ang maliligayang sandali mo. Sabi nga ni GB maswerte ka kung trilogy ka o basta may sequel ka man lang para kahit paano mahaba-haba ang exposure mo. Pero para sa akin hinde, mas gusto ko na lang na isa akong pelikulang wala ng part 2 or part 3 o kahit anupaman. Ayokong maging Mano Po o Shake, Rattle & Roll na kulang na lang ay kunin lahat ng artista para maging parte ng pelikulang iisa lang naman ang itinatakbo ng istorya.

Gusto ko lang maging isang pelikulang may katapusan. Yung wala ng aabangang kasunod pa. Kung ito man ay happy ending o tragic, wala na akong aabangan pa, wala na akong hihintayin pa. Ayoko ng malaman kung ano pa ang bukas na naghihintay sa akin.

Kita mo, di ba karaniwan sa mga romantic movies nagsisimula lang sa pagkakakilala. Sunod na ang pagkakamabutihan.. hanggang sa maging masalimuot ang kanilang buhay bago pa malaman ng mga karakter na mahal pala nila ang isa’t isa. Meron din mga pangyayari kung saan nasusubok ang isang karakter at kailangan nya patunayan ang kanyang pagmamahal sa kanyang kapareha. At pagkatapos ng mahaba-habang paliwanagan at pangyayaring magpapatunay ng kanyang tunay na nararamdaman.. boom! Masaya na sila. Mahal pala nila talaga ang isa’t isa. Happy ending.

Pero sa totoong buhay baket hindi natatapos ang istorya sa pagiging “kayo”? Sa pagsasabi ng “minamahal kita” o sa pagpapatunay ng totoong nararamdaman? Kung tutuusin isa lang itong estado. Para sa akin dito pa lang nagsisimula ang lahat. At ang mga kasunod na pangyayari tulad ng matitinding problema sa isang relasyon, third party, pagiging di “swak” sa isa’t isa ang siyang nagbibigay kulay sa istorya ng buhay. Minsan talagang nauuwi sa happy ending, madalas naman ay sa tragedy. Pero baket madalas kahit sa anong ending man mapunta baket meron pa rin sumusulpot na pangyayari…

Ayoko ng magkaroon ng epilogue.. tama na sa akin kung anumang katapusan ang aking naranasan.

Pagod na akong manood o mapanood sa parehong karakter.

Mas mabuti pa yatang magkaroon na lang ng bagong istorya ang buhay ko. Ibang karakter. Ibang pangyayari. Ibang direksyon.

At pangarap ko sana pang-Famas na ang susunod na istorya ko. Pero hindi drama. Isang totoong love story na. Na may sundot, may kilig, may pighati.. pero matatapos ng masaya.

O kahit isa man lang sa mga jologs pero masaya at nakakainlab na pelikula ng Star Cinema. Okay lang sa akin kahit ako lang si Toni Gonzaga o si Anne Curtis na sobrang babaw lang ang kaligayahan pagdating sa pag-ibig.

Ang importante lang sa lahat: MASAYA. Yung wala na akong aabangang ibang mangyayari pa. At wala na akong hahanapin pa. :)

SOLITARY

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…and now I’ve mastered the art of killing time alone.. drinking alone..
Excited for that trip..
and have one entry slash off my crappy bucket list..
I feel so alone.. but I’d rather be..
than let them come across my dreadful sentiments these days..
I know you will never leave me. I’m just making sure I’m playing fair.
We all went through this, right?
But this has been loitering for quite some time.
I know we have deadlines, we have a goal to achieve, we have an end point.
But I still couldn’t get into the middle juncture.
You’ll get tired.. believe me.
So I’d rather make it on my own. It’s a challenge to fight alone.
Let me just struggle with this torment.
And prevail in the end.
I know you’ll be proud of me.

Thank you. :)

10062008

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Pwede kayang in between the chest and the heart meron nakakabit na strainer? Para sasalain nya lahat ng emosyon, yung mga panget parang solid lang na pwede ma-trap sa strainer tapos pwede mo sya isuka, i-jebs, i-utot o sa kahit ano pang paraan na pwede para mailabas sya sa sistema mo? Tapos yung masasayang bagay liquid na lang na papasok ng swabe sa sistema mo.. yung hahaplos sa puso mo na para bang vitamins pampalakas ng resistensya ng puso mo.. para mabuhay ng mas matagal, mas matibay, mas malakas at mas matapang.

At harapin ang bukas ng may sigla.

*sigh*

GOODBYE, MY BABY…

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I can still remember the first time I saw you , it was your Dad’s birthday two years ago. He dropped by my office in Makati and we had quick lunch. He handed me a biggie sized paper bag and I was giggling coz it was his birthday yet he gave me something. When I went back to the office, I opted not to open the bag yet coz I wanted a perfect timing to see you.

Come gimmick night with your Tita Gogolosh,we opened your drape. To our delight, we saw you. At first we didn’t recognize what kind of creature you are. Tita Nheng said you are a rat. And I told them you are a rabbit. Nevertheless, whatever being you are, I felt an instant fondness for you.

Since then you became my constant “bedmate” at home. It even came to a point that I can’t sleep without you. I would always bring you to your Lola and Tita Ate’s room everytime I sleep in their room. But whenever I am sleeping someplace else, I would always feel the desire to be at your side. I loved you that instant since you came from the man I love.

I wouldn’t want you to get hurt. Remember the time when your neck was lacerated? I came knocking at your Yaya Benny’s room to have it sewed. And when you are dirty I would ask them to wash you carefully? I never wanted to leave you in a laundry shop and have you dry cleaned.. I want people close to me clean you for me. Too bad Mommy’s not allowed to wash you because of my nails. Hehehe. But you know that if in case I can, I’ll be the one to do it for you… we can take a bath together.. but I can’t. :(

When your Dad and I broke up, it took me weeks before I finally let go of you. Even if I didn’t want to, I guess that was the best thing to do. Just a glimpse of you makes my eyes watery. And so, I gave you to Yaya Cheche. A part of me is sad because I am no longer your Mom, another part is happy because I know she’ll take care of you and you will make her happy. Fortunately, my wish was granted. I can see now that she enjoys being with you. One time when we were having dinner she told me, “Ate Anna, hindi na ko makatulog na di ko katabi si Bakokong.” I was speechless. I just smiled. You know it stabbed my heart. I no longer have you. But I know you’re just there in her room.. waiting for her to sleep.

Several days ago I saw you at the laundry area. Yaya Cheche told me “Lilinisin ko sya kase isasama ko sya sa Samar.” I was stunned. Yaya Cheche is about to leave us. And she will bring Bakokong with her. A while ago, again during dinner, Yaya Cheche told me “Kawawa naman si Bakokong naka-plastik.. hindi nga ako makatulog eh kase di ko sya katabi, gusto ko sya ilabas muna sa plastik tapos tabi kame..” Then I found out Yaya Cheche is leaving on Sunday.. she will permanently reside in Samar. Along with Bakokong. She told me “Magpapapicture ako kasama ni Bakokong tapos upload ko sya sa Friendster ko para pagview mo ng account ko makikita mo sya.. wag ka mag-alala aalagan ko sya..” That moment I wanted to cry but I kept my tears. Again, I just smiled. But I’m aware I was teary eyed.

I only have three more days to see you. After Sunday I may never see you again. Since July you are no longer sleeping beside me, but I know you’re just here at home. This time I know I won’t see you forever.

Take care on your way to Samar. Please make Yaya Cheche smile always. I know you’re making her happy, like what you did to me.

Thank you for all the memories. I will never forget you. I love you and I’m gonna miss you my baby. You will forever be my first born. :( :( :(

PS: Advanced Happy 2nd Birthday on the 6th.. to you and your Dad. :)

You’re no longer here with me on your birthday. :(

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TWISTED SUNSHINE

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Treading through the dark, pitiful, she was. Extricated from a stationary bond, she hid herself from enticement. She hurt someone, and she was in pain too. She was disappointed. She had all the negative feelings any woman would never dare to feel. She was coping with misery. In the wilderness, she was wandering around.. alone and miserable.

Then entered someone and linked up with her in the dark. She was looking for a new member of the staff, not a new resident of her heart. She couldn't let anyone in at the moment, but he was persistent. She was frightened. She couldn't afford to let pain get through her system once more. She fought with temptation. She made herself believe that he's just a boy. He's like the rest of men who see nothing but her curves. No one sees her inner light. No one had the courage to look beyond her trivial persona. Nobody was curious enough to know what lies beneath. He's like the rest, she thought. They are all the same. He's just a boy. He's just a boy.

Ample time had passed and he was still there, subtly taking a peek into her heart. She wasn't so sure about it but she felt like he may want to get into her pants. Still, she was confused. She was starting to fall yet she remained rigid, It frightened her that she's starting to love someone again. She felt filthy for letting herself fall in the most vulnerable moment of her life. Was she really in love or just plain elated by the mere sight of someone getting close? Then the answers came earlier than she expected...

One night of console took away all her inhibitions, a night away from her comfort zone where astoundingly she was able to let her heart out. He had her at Fundador.  She felt grimy. She had to take a backseat and gone astray. She wasn't sure about his feelings, so why would she gamble and prolong her thoughts of him holding her hands, showering her with kisses and so much more. He's not hers anyway.

She tracked a different route. She struggled with her will to continue loving him. What if he doesn't feel the same? She will end up in pain once more? Just the thought of it repeatedly stabbed her heart. He, on the other hand, had superficial emotions. When she turned her back on him, he gladly let go. See... pain's persistently sticking with her.

After a while emotions burst. Maybe he felt the need to let loose of everything. He came closer. Again. But she didn't feel the need to liberate. She hates the idea of not having the power to control her emotions. He tried to dig deeper into what went wrong. One line and everything transformed forever, "Don't you get it?! I love you already!"

Then the LOVE STORY went on...

Theirs was a love that's hard to recognize. Though it lacked a lot of things, she didn't care a bit. She was in love and she was doing everything to make the relationship work. She fought for the man she loves. Even fighting with her own mind. Colors of gray and black surrounded them but nothing could make her stop. She was at the peak of giving love, so why would she stop?  He was everything she hoped for. He was the superhero she would always dream about when she was a kid. He was the knight in shining armour any woman could ever wish for.  He was the falling star. He was the pain killer. He was the vitamin. He was the crayola of her dull life. He was the condiment on her food. He was her big brother. He was the teacher. He was the tutor. He was the pastor. He was the love of her life. He was everything.

Years passed by and he became the BEST ACTOR.

Again, dimness surrounded her. She couldn't fight the feeling of being indignant. She was sinking in pain. The agony of longing for his soul to touch hers once more continuously tortured her heart. Like the persistent sprinkles, her tears rolled down on her cheeks. She felt the urge to vanish in a snap. She felt like the Earth stops revolving while her heart stops beating.

Nevertheless, she just stood still, watching the skies turn black as her heart turns blue.

She has just died... a million deaths.

MOVING FORWARD...

It's been three months and she's continuously picking up the pieces.

She has no regrets. After all, it made her smile.

Once upon a time.

Exactly three years ago... when their journey began. :)

---------------------------------------

It could have been a Happy Anniversary for us..

A "Once Upon A Time" that's not meant to be a "Happily Ever After"...

Nothing compares to the good times

Feels like we're floating, when the rest have to climb

You made me believe in love, and not the perfect kind

A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine

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