When I met you three years ago I knew very well that you’ll be that someone who would play a significant part in my life. You entered my life with too much complication. But I challenged myself not to be cursed by your spell. I failed. Several text messages, phone calls every night, Friday night club of the Fantastic 4 which granted me a glimpse of you every week.
When we were hanging out I had someone who was devotedly killing time just to wait for me. But I always opted to be with you even in a large crowd… a group gimmick but for me they meant more than a barrel of draft beer. Friends as we call it, but those moments literally made my heart skip some beats.. much more when we started rubbing elbows and began to be familiar with each other’s life. I knew it… the moment you revealed your weakness and how intricate your life is, I knew I will have the biggest responsibility in life – that is to love you and be the air and the peace from all the troubles and heartaches, the tranquility that you’ve been longing for all your life. As days passed by I knew I had to make a decision. It wasn’t easy at all. I had to hurt the one who loved me and that man who had been my bestfriend since the day I fell in love with him and until the day that I last felt love for him. He never treated me wrong. And I knew he didn’t deserve all the pain I have inflicted on him from the moment my heart took a U-turn and tracked a different route. I ended up starting to live my teenage life again. Ecstatic was the perfect adjective for me.
But you see, not all fairy tales have happy endings. A soap opera indeed - where the protagonists grew apart, where love seemed to disappear already. That month (exactly a year ago) brought the greatest heartache in my life. I hurt the man I love. And he hurt me too. It wasn’t easy. You cannot easily rise from the mud if your knees are too weak to even try to stand up. I felt like a child who lacked calcium for her bones. My wheelchair had worn out. And I needed to let go of it.
We grew up together in worse condition. And now we’re struggling to make complexity just as typical as we want them to be. We’re back in each others arms but I hate it everytime I feel that I am wanting more. I know for you it’s enough. But I know my worth. I need someone who can show me what the true meaning of commitment is, someone who can sweep me off my feet. I am longing for those days when we always made fun of everything despite your shortcomings, the day when I accidentally blew off my nose in front of you and my face went red.. I know somebody might be worthy of loads of love that I can give. Someone might be better for me.. someone who can guide me through the path even without asking, that one who’ll take care of me even without me demanding. I wanna be the Lois of my Clark, Delilah of my Samson, Jane of my Tarzan.
Wishful thinking perhaps, but I’ve always imagined us finally being together. Without mishaps or anything that would tear us apart.. with me not anxious about my insecurity of not getting you in the end.. not troubled by the fears of you completely pushing me away. I always bring with me all the hopes I’ve gathered through the years – those hopes that would break the spell of uncertainty. But I know this has always been a dream… even people around me see you as my unreachable star.
I tried several times to let go of you just to ease the burden that you carry for a couple of years now. But everytime I try to, you just kiss my words away. You always remain to be the stubborn vulnerability in me. With you I always end up giving myself all over again. And I always stay, with nothing more to say but I LOVE YOU. :(